hmmmmm,,,,some of the experimentations been doing

Kumarji, who is bhagwatis guru, from the mahandaleshwar juna akhada… .. was saying that there are perhaps only 20 people today who have a deep understanding of tantra, and shakta. And also that there are few who have the patience and capacity of learning the deeper meanings of Shakta (ie Devi) worship. When I said that was sad, since this would lead to a death of a tradition, he turned and spoke with vehemence.
Who are we to know what are the ways of the Divine Mother. This knowledge never vanishes, it is always existent. Truth is always existent and manifests itself when the times are right. If the times are not right then it will not manifest.
We who cannot understand who am I, cannot begin the internal journey and are contemplating about changing the world.
I realized that all my questions came from a space which was directed towards the external. Not that directing energy to the external was incorrect, but first we needed to be centred, and know oneself. ….
The next day, ie today morning I did what guruji said to do… chill, have a joint, and write who is mira. Went to the durga mandir played with the dog, smoked and came to the room, what joy to sit under the fan and not be out in the sun.
Hmm….. who is mira. …
Thought that and immediately began thinking of should I go to radhas, promised her a devi sari which she has not forgotten and which she mentioned when I called.
See, trying to escape from contemplating what is mira , so you will have something to write.
This went on for a while, with me catching myself wondering and said hey come back…… who is mira.
Hmm… stumped. So said to myself, what was I like when I was a child, growing up…. Could hardly feel anything and was getting pretty annoyed with myself …. Could recall I think running around, but nothing really which I could identify. Was I repressing? Is my memory bad?
Don’t be judgmental, he had said……… who is mira?
Okay, I told myself, (?) whatever, if you remember don’t remember go on…
It wasn’t a flash, I was lying down, and I went through being in school, being so active in sports, doing well in ICSE, going to the states, dropping out of college and driving with suzie, returning to reed, david, and coming to india, working with junior statesman, marriage to david, back to the states, working in the school for challenged children, university of Oregon, abortion, split up, injecting rats to watch them die, returning to india, FREA, david coming, the split, his breakdown on the plane, me remaining in india, FREA years, Javed, marriage, ISRE, feminism, activism, oh yes, the left…. kids, PhD…………….divorce….. oh gosh I said 60 years lets make ti 60d days. And make each day a year….everytime I thought more things came to memory…. so much happened. And then the thought so what….
But these are just events………… who is mira.
Gosh……. I thought, what a lot an individual lives through…. It just happens……… but there must have been something , some attitudes some beliefs that were taking me in certain directions…. The universe was giving so many opportunities, who and what was I at his time.
Looking back, did I have any goal ? I feel I just drifted…….. the only times I was sure was when I did not return to go back to US with david…….so…. Im a drifter in the universe…. Nowhere to go, nothing to be……ooooooops ………
Don’t be so serious also he said……… whats gone is gone, the past is over………..
Yes, I did have very strong beliefs at one time, and could argue over and on anything. But somehow I don’t do that anymore and I get bored with positions and points of view on anything. So it’s a changing Mira actually, there has been no constant entity there. More like a plant , bending to the wind and towards the sun.
Generally, going out to new experiences, not being able to stick to one thing for long, being interested and excited for a while, and then when it becomes routine, wanting to get onto something else, something new.
Take decisions of small things far too seriously……….
Actually the way I portrayed myself was actually more confused than I am…. Sure I go through periods of doubt .. but there are also periods of self reflection….. when I read my writings over the years, I see these attempts to understand.,…..but now slef reflection also seems too much effort………
But it doesn’t reach anywhere. Now, again being tough on yourself. You have brought up two delightful children, alone, without being sullen and angry……..
Making priorites…….. like today decided I will do what guruji said……….. will write down…… because by writing comes internalizations………
So many questions asked…….. but have I internalized the answers……… thought about them seriously? Have they affected your life? And the way you live?
Ok .time for bath in ganga………