Kumarji, who is bhagwatis guru, from the mahandaleshwar juna akhada… .. was saying that there are perhaps only 20 people today who have a deep understanding of tantra, and shakta. And also that there are few who have the patience and capacity of learning the deeper meanings of Shakta (ie Devi) worship. When I said that was sad, since this would lead to a death of a tradition, he turned and spoke with vehemence.
Who are we to know what are the ways of the Divine Mother. This knowledge never vanishes, it is always existent. Truth is always existent and manifests itself when the times are right. If the times are not right then it will not manifest.
We who cannot understand who am I, cannot begin the internal journey and are contemplating about changing the world.
I realized that all my questions came from a space which was directed towards the external. Not that directing energy to the external was incorrect, but first we needed to be centred, and know oneself. ….
The next day, ie today morning I did what guruji said to do… chill, have a joint, and write who is mira. Went to the durga mandir played with the dog, smoked and came to the room, what joy to sit under the fan and not be out in the sun.
Hmm….. who is mira. …
Thought that and immediately began thinking of should I go to radhas, promised her a devi sari which she has not forgotten and which she mentioned when I called.
See, trying to escape from contemplating what is mira , so you will have something to write.
This went on for a while, with me catching myself wondering and said hey come back…… who is mira.
Hmm… stumped. So said to myself, what was I like when I was a child, growing up…. Could hardly feel anything and was getting pretty annoyed with myself …. Could recall I think running around, but nothing really which I could identify. Was I repressing? Is my memory bad?
Don’t be judgmental, he had said……… who is mira?
Okay, I told myself, (?) whatever, if you remember don’t remember go on…
It wasn’t a flash, I was lying down, and I went through being in school, being so active in sports, doing well in ICSE, going to the states, dropping out of college and driving with suzie, returning to reed, david, and coming to india, working with junior statesman, marriage to david, back to the states, working in the school for challenged children, university of Oregon, abortion, split up, injecting rats to watch them die, returning to india, FREA, david coming, the split, his breakdown on the plane, me remaining in india, FREA years, Javed, marriage, ISRE, feminism, activism, oh yes, the left…. kids, PhD…………….divorce….. oh gosh I said 60 years lets make ti 60d days. And make each day a year….everytime I thought more things came to memory…. so much happened. And then the thought so what….
But these are just events………… who is mira.
Gosh……. I thought, what a lot an individual lives through…. It just happens……… but there must have been something , some attitudes some beliefs that were taking me in certain directions…. The universe was giving so many opportunities, who and what was I at his time.
Looking back, did I have any goal ? I feel I just drifted…….. the only times I was sure was when I did not return to go back to US with david…….so…. Im a drifter in the universe…. Nowhere to go, nothing to be……ooooooops ………
Don’t be so serious also he said……… whats gone is gone, the past is over………..
Yes, I did have very strong beliefs at one time, and could argue over and on anything. But somehow I don’t do that anymore and I get bored with positions and points of view on anything. So it’s a changing Mira actually, there has been no constant entity there. More like a plant , bending to the wind and towards the sun.
Generally, going out to new experiences, not being able to stick to one thing for long, being interested and excited for a while, and then when it becomes routine, wanting to get onto something else, something new.
Take decisions of small things far too seriously……….
Actually the way I portrayed myself was actually more confused than I am…. Sure I go through periods of doubt .. but there are also periods of self reflection….. when I read my writings over the years, I see these attempts to understand.,…..but now slef reflection also seems too much effort………
But it doesn’t reach anywhere. Now, again being tough on yourself. You have brought up two delightful children, alone, without being sullen and angry……..
Making priorites…….. like today decided I will do what guruji said……….. will write down…… because by writing comes internalizations………
So many questions asked…….. but have I internalized the answers……… thought about them seriously? Have they affected your life? And the way you live?
Ok .time for bath in ganga………
Friday, March 26, 2010
so much happening
dogy next door, at durgama mandir... go and play with him everyday
lights at haripodi haridwar
swami premanandji....So much happening….. it is so hot in the afternoon, that in the evening am exhausted.
First day went to puja at radhas house. There were 8 lativians there, and it was chanting and was alright. But walking in the sun got me so exhausted that came back at 6, and was asleep by 830 till the next morning.
The next morning left the guest house at 700 to reach haridwar at 800 and went to Bhagwati… she is staying in a tent with her guruji…. Whom I met and he spoke English… so had long talks with him about the akhadas, himself, myself…… lunch swim in ma ganga with bhagwati. Talking about akhadas with kumarji, I realize that there is total freedom in what to do.. the akhada has certain niyams, rules that need to be followed.. initiation, and then the prayers you do, like at food, and the colours of clothes you wear… you choose your own gurus and these can almost be from anywhere, but are usually from the same akhada. You are free to worship any gods, free to choose how you worship, and also choose your own sadhana……. Its not one dictatorial thing……… its like we belong to the same family and are on the same path…… but the path differs for each and ech find there own callings and teachers.
Its navratri time and haidwar and rishikesh is full of pujas, chanting all in the air…… very lovely
Went to laxshman jhula the next day, german bakery and veg burger and the book shop. In the evening, went with Anil, who is VP at Somanys glass factory here. To har ki podi…aarti was over but we walked around, I put flowers and diya in ganga………..
Then yesterday to Haridwar and bhagwatis where there was devi havan going on… lunch, then talks with Kumarji (gurus name) ….. he was extrmemly blunt, and once when I asked a question he said, how long will you go on with this gathering of information… what can it do for you… does it help at all in knowing yourself…. He then went on to ask if there were multiple I’s…. of course… and he asked which is dominant……… he said instead of asking spend time in contemplation about yourself (my self)…… several times he indicated to me how my questioning was like a mask and a façade….. and he asked me to look and to find out what this questioning is about…………
He was not against questioning, but his interventions made me think…….. that yes, I ask questions, but after that what??? He told me to write about who is Mira…… oops, what to write?????
Whilst we were sitting there a group of singers came and chanted the entire lineage of the Juna akhada… this was their calling and sadhana……. To go around and chant the lineage… quite wonderful……. No book knowledge…. And this was their sadhana……..
First day went to puja at radhas house. There were 8 lativians there, and it was chanting and was alright. But walking in the sun got me so exhausted that came back at 6, and was asleep by 830 till the next morning.
The next morning left the guest house at 700 to reach haridwar at 800 and went to Bhagwati… she is staying in a tent with her guruji…. Whom I met and he spoke English… so had long talks with him about the akhadas, himself, myself…… lunch swim in ma ganga with bhagwati. Talking about akhadas with kumarji, I realize that there is total freedom in what to do.. the akhada has certain niyams, rules that need to be followed.. initiation, and then the prayers you do, like at food, and the colours of clothes you wear… you choose your own gurus and these can almost be from anywhere, but are usually from the same akhada. You are free to worship any gods, free to choose how you worship, and also choose your own sadhana……. Its not one dictatorial thing……… its like we belong to the same family and are on the same path…… but the path differs for each and ech find there own callings and teachers.
Its navratri time and haidwar and rishikesh is full of pujas, chanting all in the air…… very lovely
Went to laxshman jhula the next day, german bakery and veg burger and the book shop. In the evening, went with Anil, who is VP at Somanys glass factory here. To har ki podi…aarti was over but we walked around, I put flowers and diya in ganga………..
Then yesterday to Haridwar and bhagwatis where there was devi havan going on… lunch, then talks with Kumarji (gurus name) ….. he was extrmemly blunt, and once when I asked a question he said, how long will you go on with this gathering of information… what can it do for you… does it help at all in knowing yourself…. He then went on to ask if there were multiple I’s…. of course… and he asked which is dominant……… he said instead of asking spend time in contemplation about yourself (my self)…… several times he indicated to me how my questioning was like a mask and a façade….. and he asked me to look and to find out what this questioning is about…………
He was not against questioning, but his interventions made me think…….. that yes, I ask questions, but after that what??? He told me to write about who is Mira…… oops, what to write?????
Whilst we were sitting there a group of singers came and chanted the entire lineage of the Juna akhada… this was their calling and sadhana……. To go around and chant the lineage… quite wonderful……. No book knowledge…. And this was their sadhana……..
Friday, March 19, 2010
on returning to rishikesh
So am back in Rishikesh… reached last nite after an overnite train to delhi and then a train to haridwar…entire journey 24 hours… and it wasn’t bad at all….all ac sleeper so slept quite a bit... on reaching haridwar and getting out on the main street, you could feel the energy all around.
The inner street near haridwar station are parts of old haridwar with narrow lanes, and old carved houses. Sandhus and Sants everywhere. The railway booking counter has a special line for sants and sadhus…. We pass through har ki podi… have not seen it at evening and the whole area is full of lights…
The drive to Rishikesh takes 30-45 min in the tum tum (shared auto rick) and it passes through the rajaji national park (which touches Corbett) .. so its green and forested. The guest house is near the main market and is walkng distance from the main road…. Its got 26 rooms, I have room number 111, and it has hot water and a TV. Smoking and drinking strictly prohibited…. And am sure they mean it.
The guest house has a garden overlooking maganga, and that’s where I am sitting now with the comp…. watching the river pass by and surrounded by flowers. Yesterday evening , when in the garden did, this touching of all the petals in the amazingly different flowers that are around…. Then closed my eyes and touched and felt the entire flower, then each petal and then the leaves… it was amazing how it felt, when touched with no vision… the touching became much slower… fingers curved around the flower, so one got a feeling of how big it is, then it went down to touching and finding out how many petals there are, and then to each petal… the colours seemed to have different feel. Then to the leaves and how they are placed…..
Each flower was different, the petals shape, thickness and general feel….. recommend this as a nice meditative experience….. we are overly dependent on vision and the beauty and variety in the touch and feel of things seems less when we use our eyes…………without vision other senses get more heightened.
The food here is amazing. last nite at dinner there was roti, bajra roti, dal, kadhi, chole, 2 sabjis, rice, papad and gulam jamun. Today breakfast, it was aloo ka paratha, aloo sabji (the kind we make with puri) dahi and jalebi………… its really nice not to go to a restaurant and to have everything absolutely piping hot.
I think am just going to chill and have good food….served on time……… sit in the garden…. Am going now to find out about yoga and chanting classes…. Will go to haridwar tomorrow ….
Last nite when in the garden there was different chants coming from across the river… with drums, cymbals and it was so lovely… did stretching exercises and was barefoot on the grass….
The inner street near haridwar station are parts of old haridwar with narrow lanes, and old carved houses. Sandhus and Sants everywhere. The railway booking counter has a special line for sants and sadhus…. We pass through har ki podi… have not seen it at evening and the whole area is full of lights…
The drive to Rishikesh takes 30-45 min in the tum tum (shared auto rick) and it passes through the rajaji national park (which touches Corbett) .. so its green and forested. The guest house is near the main market and is walkng distance from the main road…. Its got 26 rooms, I have room number 111, and it has hot water and a TV. Smoking and drinking strictly prohibited…. And am sure they mean it.
The guest house has a garden overlooking maganga, and that’s where I am sitting now with the comp…. watching the river pass by and surrounded by flowers. Yesterday evening , when in the garden did, this touching of all the petals in the amazingly different flowers that are around…. Then closed my eyes and touched and felt the entire flower, then each petal and then the leaves… it was amazing how it felt, when touched with no vision… the touching became much slower… fingers curved around the flower, so one got a feeling of how big it is, then it went down to touching and finding out how many petals there are, and then to each petal… the colours seemed to have different feel. Then to the leaves and how they are placed…..
Each flower was different, the petals shape, thickness and general feel….. recommend this as a nice meditative experience….. we are overly dependent on vision and the beauty and variety in the touch and feel of things seems less when we use our eyes…………without vision other senses get more heightened.
The food here is amazing. last nite at dinner there was roti, bajra roti, dal, kadhi, chole, 2 sabjis, rice, papad and gulam jamun. Today breakfast, it was aloo ka paratha, aloo sabji (the kind we make with puri) dahi and jalebi………… its really nice not to go to a restaurant and to have everything absolutely piping hot.
I think am just going to chill and have good food….served on time……… sit in the garden…. Am going now to find out about yoga and chanting classes…. Will go to haridwar tomorrow ….
Last nite when in the garden there was different chants coming from across the river… with drums, cymbals and it was so lovely… did stretching exercises and was barefoot on the grass….
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
naga babas dancing in procesion
this is in the procession ... the naga babas were the most interesting, the most vibrant...as you can see i this short video... have moe and will put it together in a video...
have been listening tot he videos i have shot of the babs and sadhavis... one point which i have been reflecting on, is when the 118 year old baba asks me, you have asked a deeply spiritual question... but what is your spiritual practice? What are you Pravin ( aterm meaning someone who has mastered who has mastered yoga, pranayam, etc..... and what will you do with an answer to the question.....
also listening to the tapes of the sadhavis... thee is something very touching in the talks, and there is a simiplicity in the life which is very apealing...so have been in a cleaning up spree... we gather so much baggage and dust which we just keep piling onto our lives....
Inspired by Wanderer explorers comment.... any other suggestions... and if you know people who could be of help in identifying, and knowing something please do let me know....
3 days went in learning editing software....tried... managed,,, but sooooo much work... will get back to it at some time....
am leaving for bhopal today, back to mumbai, then back to rishkesh ... yeh it uploaded...am just putting up some vidoes i shot at naga babas...and will do it imm so connection does not go...as it has twice already... its taking an hour to upload this.... oh well
next video will be on the dancing at the procession of naga babas
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